E029 - What to do if you Talk Too Much (and then Shut Down)

Welcome to this episode, which explores voices that are "too much". These include blurters, or binge-voices that let it all out and then shut down afterwards. I work with a lot of clients and students in ym courses that have this polarity of voices. It's opposite is a "too little" voice, that doesn't speak up for itself and tends to withdraw.

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Hello, and welcome to this episode about voices that are what I might call "too much".

These are voices that flood. It all comes out at once. You could say that there's almost a binge element to it. In other words, we're going to withhold, withhold, withhold, withhold and then BAM! it all comes out. And then when it all comes out, sometimes there's a bit of damage or shaming, and then it's time to shut down again.

So, before I go any further, I really just want to drop in my body, and get a little bit more connected and speak from the heart and say that I'm going to talk a lot about some of the dysfunction and some of the beautiful potentials in this kind of voice. But to say that too much voice is like this, too little voice is like withheld, very quiet people who have no boundaries, for example, and won't say how they feel. No one gets to be perfect in all of this and that we're really deeply all in this together. So we're just going to look at this particular one today. But you might be this person, or you might know someone exactly like this. Your partner might be like this. And just because a whole lot of things are going to be pointed out about them for example, today, next week, we're going to look at the "too-little" voices and talk about that. And so with my whole heart, I'm just, here we go, let's get into investigating "too-much" voices.

So some themes: So these voices tend to act out rather than act in and withdraw. They will be out there. They'll say all the things versus those that don't say all the things and will withdraw and not speak, and feel things on the inside, but it won't come out. From an emotional point of view, they will often experience anger as the predominant emotion when this is happening versus the too-little voice that's anxious, anxiety. So it's anger out there. You might see them as socially confident because their voice is out there. But there's often an irony in that where there'll be an underlying deep insecurity about their voice. So, and a too-much voice person will usually occupy physical spaces. They'll just be a little bit more like this. They'll be a little bit forward. They'll be a little bit louder, versus a too-little voice. And sometimes that can be a little unconscious where they'll always be taking up a lot of space without consciousness of the effect on those around them. And that includes when they speak first, for example, just always first to speak, and speak longest.

But physically watch for these voices, watching how space is taken up. I often observe that in movement, for example, with TRE@, when I work with TRE bodies. So TRE@ (trauma releasing exercises) is where people shake, their body experiences neurogenic tremors. You'll find that people with too-little voices often have very small, very fine shakes. And people with too-much voices, they will move all over the place. It's very expressive. And there's is kind of sweet irony is that often what the shaking body of a too-much voice wants is containment, is a feeling of, "Help me contain myself. "Help me contain myself and feel safe in the world." And so that's part of the lesson in this voice is learning safe containment.

So you may find with too-much voices that they're in your space, or in your face, or they just stand too close. On Zoom, or on camera, they'll often be quite close up. They'll often be right there, up at the camera. And you'll just see that too-little voices will do the opposite. So they have a tendency to take up space, and I'm going to say over-talk, over-talk relative to others and dominate conversational spaces. And part of this is the kind of shame creating cycle of withhold, and then talk too much. But part of the teaching in the "too-much" voice is to recognize, "Oh, dear me, I did say too much again," and to watch for that monologuing. As soon as there's that monologuing and I'm talking, and I'm talking about me, you know, that's a deep consciousness to learn to sit deeper in the body and really potentially to let go of story, to let go of the whole story. Does the whole story need to be told? What happens if I drop in my heart and speak just the short truth of it? So over-talking. And the irony of all this over-talking is that in general, a too-much voice will almost never feel heard. So it's a kind of a, you could call it a pattern of self-sabotage where I talk too much, and then I shut down, but I never feel heard. And the pattern can break trust, and safety in relationships, and create painful disconnections. So in other words, by blurting, or purging, or bingeing or whatever it is, often relationships get a little broken through that.

And one of the things for this pattern, and this is a complex topic for all forms of voice, is that in general, when a voice is acting out too much or too little, it generally is doing that thinking that it's the victim in the circumstance and the other person is wrong. And I want to invite the too-much voice actually, and the too-little voice, we can talk about this next week, but I want to invite the too-much voice to consider and really face head on the act of perpetration in that blasting, and to take some responsibility for the disconnection in the relationships that happen after. And this is not to shame those voices. It's just to face what's going on in this pattern and begin to work on healing it. And so this is not about being the worst or feeling terrible or shamed. It's just beginning to recognize that there's an act of perpetration in the flood, in the dump, that essentially when that happens, one can be hurting someone. I think frequently the one that is blurting like that, that is flooding and dumping actually at some level can see the affect, and see the words as they land, and knows that they're hurting people. And it's just to sit into that to learn the lesson and begin to choose something else. So it's not enough to just say, "It's not my fault. "That person was being mean, so I had to shout at them." Again, we're all in this together. We're all working this out. I've by no means got all of this right at all.

So what are the remedies? There are a lot of remedies to begin to shift the pattern. So one is to do the vocal liberation work. And really what this means is do the work of exercising and bringing energy and consciousness into this space. Call it the throat chakra, call it the voice. And start undoing the neurophysiology, the wiring that keeps this pattern on repeat. It's like a tape loop that keeps playing, "Ah, bit of triggering in my body. "Let's play this tape loop." Bam and blah, it happened again! So bringing consciousness in through doing daily humming, through doing warmups, through bringing dexterity and strength into the voice. Another deeper part of it is to change the location of speaking. So I've been speaking from my upper body and perhaps I can drop down a little deeper into my body. And what that means is not for a second losing connection with my feet and lower body, being more deeply seated in myself, and taking the risk to open my heart. And maybe you can feel that little shift in location as it's been happening as I speak. And even as I'm speaking, now, I'm opening up, let's just say to connection with you. Here we go. And so I'm more present with you now. And that's to demonstrate this change of location of speaking. I feel maybe a bit more vulnerable, and a bit more present with you.

So one of the questions is where are we speaking from? Are we speaking from the wound and the rage? Or can we ground and bring consciousness, and bring the body in, and bring the heart in. All of these shifts in location can begin to undo the pattern and using the brains awesome neuro-plasticity begin to rewire into a new form of speaking, and a new form of hearing. Another part is to really bring consciousness into the affects of our dysregulated voices in the world. Actually, what do they do? What do they do to others? What do they do to me? How do I self-sabotage when I do this? Facing it helps.

A huge one is learning to speak earlier, rather than withholding, withholding, withholding, and then, ah, it all comes out, it dumps, out it comes. And the great signal for that is are you holding onto resentment? And if you're holding onto resentment, then either clear that resentment deep in your body, or speak it when it needs to be spoken. Perhaps you have a boundary that needs to be spoken. Another is to face and own rage as our own, rather than projecting it, "It's your fault that I rage and dump. "You make me do this. "When you do that, then I vomit like this." Actually that rage goes all the way back into our developmental trauma, and to begin to own that. Now I'm not saying to not have boundaries and just be like, "Oh, it's always my fault." I'm not saying that at all, but know that our rage has its roots way in our history. And so I'll speak about boundaries in a moment. Yes, we want boundaries, but own our rage. And another is really just to speak to the fact that trauma, shame, and rage are like this triumvirate. So really our original trauma is where we got wounded. And then there's this kind of unmet rage in us about it, and fury and disappointment and hurt. And of course with that wounding for many, especially with this kind of voice though, is that there's shame and it's lurking under there, kind of, "I'm not enough and I'm bad and I'm forever... "There's something wrong with me." And so these might be circling around in the under-layers beneath the voice. And just to acknowledge them and begin to meet those parts.

Now I've spoken about this, but being willing to face the effect of our voices on others, like if people tell us that they're hurting us or that our voice is too much, on the one hand we don't want to shut down, but another is to begin to open up and listen, and even be curious and to ask how so, and what is your experience? Another subtle one is for the too-much voice to own up to its power. Often a too-much voice will feel wounded, and like, "I'm never heard," but actually there's incredible force in it, and own up to some of the magic that lies in the power in here. It just needs to learn to regulate a bit better, but there's power and there's a gift in it. And it has power in the world. So with too-much voices, I'm going to say it's useful to consciously hold back, and ground and center in the body, and center in the heart before blurting.

A huge thing that a too-much voice can do while being a gift in the world is to let introverts speak first, make space for others. I find with my too-much voices in my courses and workshops that they'll always speak first. And obviously the too-little voices are usually waiting at the back and hoping no one notices them. So one of the things is to let introverts speak first. Make space for others, really consciously, and notice when that hot urge comes that, "I must speak. "I must express myself. "I must tell my story." And potentially drop out of story, drop into the body and then speak a bit later. Let that first hot urge move through and speak a bit later having moved it more deeply into the body and speak more briefly from the heart. So making loving space for others, but be brief. Say it in a sentence. If you're one of those that goes on too long, cultivate the art of saying it briefly, but with incredible depth. I'll try and model this for a second. Just to slow down, and to say how we really feel. Just maybe that, let go of the story.

And I want to also say apologize and own up when we get it wrong. Oh, it's a goodie, so please factor that in. Okay. Upsides. There are huge upsides to too-much voices too.

So this is not all about being wounded and nasty and a binge speaker. Often too-much voices are incredibly creative out in the world and expressive, and without them, the whole world would be an extremely quiet shutdown, anal retentive, "How do you feel? I'm fine. "How do you feel? I'm fine." So too-much voices model a lot of stuff about getting real. They can be funny, expressive, and give us permission to be funny and expressive in the world. And that confidence is beautiful and there's liberation in it, in that voice that is a gift to the world.

A huge thing that too-much voices bring to the world is that they can be incredibly honest and authentic. So, you know where you stand with a too-much voice 'cause actually where you stand is right in front of you. It got blurted, it's all on the table now. So instead of with the too-little voices, it often being hidden or with a FAWN "I'm fine. How are you? You're wonderful." And you never really know where you stand. With a too-much voice, you often know exactly where you stand and there's an incredible gift for the world in that. So again, we're all working this out together. Yeah. There's leadership in a too-much voice, and a willingness to go there, to really talk shadow, get real, get down there instead of the potential emotional and spiritual bypassing that a fawn or a shutdown voice will often do. "ah, namaste, I love and light"! No, your authentic blurter is going to tell you, like, "Let's get real. Let's get in here." And that's a huge gift to the world. That's a modeling for the world. And they can create deep, real connection through them. And then, you know, huge, one of the huge-ies that they often have boundaries and a NO! a solid NO that all of the fawns and shut down voices need to learn. And so you can watch a too-much voice display boundaries and go, "Hell, that's good. "I'd like to be able to say 'no' like that. "I'd like to be able to complain in a restaurant like that."

Again, each side has got dysregulated elements and huge gifts, but these are some of the wonderful gifts that a too-much voice brings. So I'd just kind of summarize and say, what a wonder it is! There's a section of my clients who are too-much voices, and a section of my clients and friends and participants who are too-little voices. But for all of us, it's this journey of unhooking from our programming, and conditioning and wounding, dropping into the body and speaking from an authentic heart, right? I hope you enjoyed this. Please subscribe.

If you haven't drop me a comment, send me a mail, join the conversation. If you're a too-much voice, tell me all about it. I love to learn about these voices. If you've got a too-much voice in your life, and you're not sure how to deal with it, drop a mail, drop a comment. I just want to say, we're all learning about this. You know, one of the weird things about doing this episode is that I don't even know where to search for a term for this kind of voice. Extrovert? There doesn't seem to be literature on it. So, you writing to me and whatever we comment about this is a developing conversation about beautiful voices learning to be whole.

Thank you ❤️